How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. This book was written when my parents had no idea they will be born, let alone meet, get married and well, have kids – I included. That’s how old this book is. You get the picture now! We are talking about 1936 here!
Yeah, I know you are like if it is that old why to bother yourself? Well, that’s the very reason you should be reading it if you haven’t!
Yes, the world has changed and I agree. But how we interact with people shouldn’t change and the fact that we are all still human should be the reason for you to learn how to treat people with kindness and that what this book is all about, in my opinion at least. Ooh, and it is one of the bestselling books of all time, what does that tell you? 🙂
I have had this book since 2016 and I have been returning to it from time to time because there is so much to learn. From how to make people like you – even though sometimes you just can’t force them to, but well, it helps. And today I want to share with the 3 techniques of how you can deal with people. Let’s get started:
- Don’t criticize, don’t condemn and don’t complain
I call these the big Cs. I can’t emphasize how important this principle is to everybody or at least for those who want to have good relationships with people around them.
If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive
You can’t be hoping for people to treat you better if all you do is criticize them or their abilities to do something. I have experienced this first hand, so I know what I am talking about. I used to be that person who always had something to complain about, something to criticize or to condemn and nothing really worked with my relationships with such habits.
When you criticize all you do is put the person in question in a defensive mode and they will do everything to justify their actions even if it means they will hurt you in the process. Why risk that when you can just be nice?
Criticism is dangerous because it wounds the person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment.
Well, the book suggests that instead of criticizing, applause others for how you appreciate something that they are perfect at and well add how cool and beneficial it will be if they would improve on something that you think they are not good at instead of criticizing. I have tried this on one person and I tell you it works because he admits it.
When you criticize or condemn someone to be ready to receive the same because, well, what goes around comes back all the way around. Judge not, that you will not be judged. Before you criticize or condemn another person, think of how they will feel about your criticism or condemnation? And ask yourself how would you feel if you were on the receiving end, how would you feel? There you have your answer next time you want to do that.
Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean. Do you want to change someone? Change yourself first because change begins with you.
I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. Hey, don’t be that fool, I want no fools as my friends.
- Give honest and sincere appreciation
Do you know the feeling you get when you have been trying so hard to do your best in something, say you have been giving your best at work and your boss never appreciate what you do? Or have you ever been so good to people you love and none of them has never shown you any sincere appreciations as if what you are doing is nothing is nothing and it doesn’t mean anything to them? Yes, that same feeling is what I am talking about here. So, imagine you are the one who is not being appreciative of people, yes, that’s how they feel too!
The deepest urge of human nature is the desire to be important.
According to this book, well plus the obvious needs of human being are health, food, money and things money will buy, life in the hereafter, sexual gratification, the well being of our children and well, the one thing that many of us forget – a feeling of importance.
The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Not wish or desire but craving to be appreciated. The desire of a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.
People are more likely, I included, to do the things you want them to do when they feel appreciated when they feel like you value their importance when they know that what they do mean something to you and you sincerely appreciate it.
Do an experiment, because I have done it, still doing it and I know it works. People can go miles to have that feeling, the feeling of being appreciated, and the feeling of importance to someone. People might even do despicable things to get that feeling, it is human nature and people will do anything to get it.
If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity!
A sincere appreciation is the biggest secret to dealing with people, appreciate them and value their contributions because it elevates their self-esteem. The same feeling that you crave, a feeling of importance, everyone is craving it. So, be kind enough to give it to people and you will receive the same feeling back and then some more.
Don’t flatter people with your meaningless appreciations those are cheap praises if you cant be honest about your appreciations you might as well not bother yourself giving them to anyone. Don’t be afraid of enemies that attack you. Be afraid of friends that flatter you.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want
It is not always about you, and it should never be about you. It should be about them. The world doesn’t revolve around you; there are other people in the equation!
Imagine all you do want people to do is what you want, you always scream me! Me! Me! You sound so selfish and nobody wants to be around someone who is all about themselves!
I often went fishing, said Carnegie, but for some reasons, I found that fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think of what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said, wouldn’t you like that?
Of course, they would, it is what they wanted. And do you think he went home with no fish? Of course not, how could he go home when he gave the fish what they wanted?
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how they can get it.
Imagine going to pitch your business idea to your potential investors and all you do is talk about what you will get out of the business and you forget the fact that they don’t care what you get out of the business, they care about what they get out of your business and they are so eager to hear about it and how you will help them achieve it. No wonder business pitches fail every single day because people are all about what they want, they think too much of themselves instead of the people that you are presenting your idea to.
Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
Well, in other words, be in someone shoes. Think of what they would want if they are in a given situation and give it to them or better yet, show them how to get it so next time they will remember you for it. Guess what will happen next? They will do what you want them to do.
If there is a secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
Next time you want to ask someone to do something for you, pause and ask yourself how I can make this person want to do it.
Ever heard of the famous question “what is it in for me?” of course you have heard about it because it is that famous! So, when a person asks you this, they think about themselves and how whatever you’re telling them to do will benefit them. So, there you have it, tell them what is in for them and how exactly the will get it. After this, you don’t have to worry if they will do it or not.
Well, there you have it. Have you tried any of the three ways above? Did they work? Would want to give them a try? What works for you? Let’s talk in the comments below.
That’s it for today. Dont forget to check out my lastest YouTube video here and subscribe.
Until next time,